The first time I had sex, I didn't know what I was doing. It was a relief when the whole thing was over after just 45 minutes.

I didn't care about the backlash. I think the reason it was so severe was because they didn't know anything about me in New Zealand. If I had made jokes about a shark attack in the US, no one would have cared.

My dad was a complicated man. He was a huge racist, my dad, but he still tried to be a good father, you know? Like, he would tell me that Santa Claus was black - that way, when I found out he didn't exist, it wouldn't be that big a let down.

It's impossible for me to hear the words quadruple murder suicide without thinking of my grandparents.

I think brilliant stuff comes out of working with limitations. One liners are very limiting, but that's what drew me to them in the first place.

I let a friend set me up on a blind date. It was a disaster. She ended up being a burn victim. By the end of the night.

My girlfriend wants an open relationship. I said no way. What kind of man would I be if I had to tell my friends I date you?