The first time I had sex, I didn't know what I was doing. It was a relief when the whole thing was over after just 45 minutes.

My girlfriend wants an open relationship. I said no way. What kind of man would I be if I had to tell my friends I date you?

I think the reason I became funny was because if I made people laugh, they would let me keep talking.

Of all the ways people save time, I think racism is the worst.

Childhood obesity affects all pedophiles.

My girlfriend makes me want to be a better person... so I can get a better girlfriend.

It seemed fun to play a villain on stage and I wanted my jokes to be so good that I could just calmly tell them on stage.