The first time I had sex, I didn't know what I was doing. It was a relief when the whole thing was over after just 45 minutes.

I love anyone who surprises me and makes me laugh.

The world is full of horrible things.

Childhood obesity affects all pedophiles.

I like the idea of being the funny guy in the dramatic thing, playing a hit man with a weird sense of humor.

I don't want to wake up with cops surrounding my bed tonight.

God, that Anthony Jeselnik Show sounds really funny.