The first time I had sex, I didn't know what I was doing. It was a relief when the whole thing was over after just 45 minutes.

I like to play pranks on my girlfriend, you know, keep things fresh for me, make me laugh, you know? She hates it. But like, the other night, I put Saran wrap over the toilet seat, you know, which doesn't sound that original, but she's bulimic.

My girlfriend is despicable. I just found out she flirted with my brother, during my mom's funeral, while I was asleep.

Do whatever you want to do, whenever you want to do it

I try to write three jokes every morning, although I don't know what they are. I write them as fast as I can, then I put them away for a month. So I couldn't even tell you what they are, or if they're good. I just assume they weren't.

My ex-girlfriend owned a parakeet…oh my god, that f**king thing would never shut up. But the bird was cool.

My girlfriend asked me if I only love her for her body. I said no, baby. Just parts of it.