I'm inspired by making people laugh at subjects that should make them cry.

I do dark [humor]. I like people who are silly and weird and people who are surprising and good at what they do.

People say it's easy to make fun of retarded people, but it's not. You really have to explain it to them.

I don't want to wake up with cops surrounding my bed tonight.

I want to get a tattoo of the word irony, only misspelled.

Everyone gets laid off and everyone in Hollywood gets unemployment for six months while they're looking for a new job. So I would just do stand-up for six months and think I was really making it, and when my unemployment ran out, I had to get another job immediately.

We just found out my little brother has a peanut allergy, which is very serious I know. But still I feel like my parents are totally overreacting - they caught me eating a tiny little bag of airline peanuts and they kicked me out of his funeral.