I'm inspired by making people laugh at subjects that should make them cry.

My sister just had a baby, a little newborn. The kid is adorable, so cute. She wouldn't let me hold him, she refuses. She says, 'No way, Anthony, I'm afraid you're gonna drop him.' I'm 32 years old. Like I'm some kind of idiot. Like I don't have a million other ways to hurt that baby.

Larry King is so old, he's actually one of the Jews that killed Christ.

I think my friends wife has been banging a black guy. Because they just had a baby. And the baby had a hole in it.

I had a happy childhood in a nice suburban area, pretty idyllic, upper middle class and very, very white. My dad is an attorney. My mother is a housewife. They had five kids in seven years: me, my brother, and three sisters. I'm the oldest. We were all very active. My mother was exhausted.

Every night, my girlfriend comes home from work, and she brings with her a houseplant. She's like, 'Anthony, I had to pick this up. We need a houseplant in our apartment.' And every night, I make her return it. I say, 'No way, baby. You can't take care of a houseplant. You couldn't even keep your baby alive.'

I feel worthless. My girlfriend was attacked on the subway yesterday. And I can't even enjoy it.