I know her in the biblical senseand when I say that, I mean I don't believe a word she says.

I don't want to wake up with cops surrounding my bed tonight.

I want people to just be paying attention even if they're not necessarily laughing at something, or if it takes them a while to get something, I don't mind that. If half the crowd gets the joke and the other half is sitting there scratching their heads, that's just as good for me if I like the joke, because I feel like it just brings people in more.

With comics, you always talk about a big break, but there are a lot of big breaks in your life and not one of them makes a big difference.

I try to write three jokes every morning, although I don't know what they are. I write them as fast as I can, then I put them away for a month. So I couldn't even tell you what they are, or if they're good. I just assume they weren't.

About a month ago some kids in my neighborhood were playing hide-and-go-seek and one of them ended up in an abandoned refrigerator. It's all anybody talked about for weeks. I said, 'Who cares? How many kids you know get to die a winner?

I do dark [humor]. I like people who are silly and weird and people who are surprising and good at what they do.