I know her in the biblical senseand when I say that, I mean I don't believe a word she says.

The best way to break up with a girl is like I'm taking off a band-aid. Slowly and in the shower.

You don't know anything about pain until you've seen your own baby drowned in a tub... and you definitely don't know anything about how to wash a baby.

My girlfriend loves to eat chocolate. She's always eating chocolate. And she likes to joke she's got a chocolate addiction. You know, she'd be like keep me away from those chocolate bars, I'm addicted to them. And it's really annoying. So one day I put her in the car and I drove her downtown and I pointed out a crack addict. And I said you see that honey? Why can't you be that skinny?

Halloween is just a made up holiday, created by the razor blade industry.

I try to retire jokes as soon as I can once I put them on an album. But I can't think of anything I just stopped doing for no reason.

I would never hit a woman - even if she had a knife or a stutter.