I know her in the biblical senseand when I say that, I mean I don't believe a word she says.

You know how everybody has that one weird creepy uncle? Well, Seth Green looks like he got raped by all of them.

Perhaps I'm being too optimistic, but I think this country is finally ready for a black serial killer.

My girlfriend is upset about her new haircut. I don't understand why she's crying. I'm the one who has to get a new girlfriend.

I want to marry the kind of girl that walks out of an abortion clinic with a lollipop.

On Twitter, when someone would die, I would write a joke. Or if there's a tragedy, I would write a joke and tweet it. That was my thing, and then at a certain point, people started demanding it.

When I was little, I would burn ants with a magnifying glass. But now that I'm older, I'm more of a cat guy.