I was raised Catholic. I rejected it later on. I'm an outspoken atheist now. People say, 'Oh, it's a negative thing to be an atheist.' I don't agree. I think it's more optimistic to think that there is no God, no afterlife.

My dad's been having a hard time lately. Keeps on losing his keys. Can't hang on to a set of keys to save his life. And he has tried everything too: little hook next to the door, little bowl next to his bed, keychain makes a noise when you whistle. Nothing worked. So finally, this year for his birthday, the whole family chipped in - and we put him in a home.

I got an email from my ex, telling me that she has AIDS. I didn't know how to comfort her, so I just wrote back I know.

Tom Cruise's pre-nup lets him keep his money, the kids and Katie Holmes.

I like seeing what the comedian thinks is funny, not just what they think I'll think is funny.

God, that Anthony Jeselnik Show sounds really funny.

Halloween is just a made up holiday, created by the razor blade industry.