2010 has been awesome. I got to write on the David Hasselhoff Roast this summer, and that's always been a dream.

My ex-girlfriend owned a parakeet…oh my god, that f**king thing would never shut up. But the bird was cool.

I love Pittsburgh. Most of my family still lives there and I try to get back a couple of times a year.

Larry King is so old, he's actually one of the Jews that killed Christ.

There is nothing that's off limits. If people think something is off limits, I make it my business to go make a joke about it; that's my job.

My girlfriend asked me if I only love her for her body. I said no, baby. Just parts of it.

An offended audience member repeating a comedian's act from memory is worse than, literally, anything.