I like to read, but otherwise I'm just your average, self-obsessed comedian. It's pretty much all I think about.

I was always cutting words. I even would write my jokes in my notebook. I still do this, almost like a poem.

What do they call that hat Jewish guys always wear? A Yankees cap.

Valentine's Day was created by the greeting card industry to get pussy.

You look like you deep fry your hands before you bite your fingernails.

I can stand by a tweet. But Comedy Central said they couldn't publicly support me, unless I deleted it. I wasn't about to tell the people who work for me that they didn't have jobs anymore because I wasn't going to delete a stupid tweet.

I had to break up with my last girlfriend for lying about being raped by her neighbor. But I've met her neighbor, he's a cool guy. Not like her other creepy ass neighbor though.