I like to read, but otherwise I'm just your average, self-obsessed comedian. It's pretty much all I think about.

Silence means they [the audience] are paying attention. Even if I drop bombs and they're dead quiet, it's still okay. If they start talking, that's when you've lost them.

I want people to just be paying attention even if they're not necessarily laughing at something, or if it takes them a while to get something, I don't mind that. If half the crowd gets the joke and the other half is sitting there scratching their heads, that's just as good for me if I like the joke, because I feel like it just brings people in more.

My girlfriend wants an open relationship. I said no way. What kind of man would I be if I had to tell my friends I date you?

I got an email from my ex, telling me that she has AIDS. I didn't know how to comfort her, so I just wrote back I know.

She got really mad a month ago, because she had e-mailed me a naked picture of herself - which is a nice thing to do - but then I messed up, and I accidentally forwarded that e-mail to both of my parents. Now, my girlfriend is furious, mortified, but I don't even care, 'cause now I have to call up my mother and say 'Mom, I am so sorry - that picture was just for dad.'

I’m not a religious person; I would call myself an atheist. I don’t have a good story behind it, I’m just reasonable.