Disgusting. I just found my grandpa's Viagra. I swear, I almost puked from eating so many.

Of all the ways people save time, I think racism is the worst.

2010 has been awesome. I got to write on the David Hasselhoff Roast this summer, and that's always been a dream.

Jeff Ross has been roasting people since Whitney Cummings was nothing but a glint in the eye of the man who raped her mother.

I'm trying to teach my girlfriend how to surf. But I just end up yelling at her the whole time. Because I don't know how to surf.

Everyone has the same kind of fears; everyone has the same big problems in the world, which is, like, fear of death and I hope horrible things dont happen to my family, but they do. And I think people laugh at them as this great release.

I like the idea of being the funny guy in the dramatic thing, playing a hit man with a weird sense of humor.