Sure, retarded jokes write themselves. But the spelling is always way off.

The first time I had sex, I didn't know what I was doing. It was a relief when the whole thing was over after just 45 minutes.

I feel worthless. My girlfriend was attacked on the subway yesterday. And I can't even enjoy it.

I think some people just don't know that much about comedy. It would be like a person who didn't know anything about football thinking all offensive linemen are the same.

I'm inspired by making people laugh at subjects that should make them cry.

My sister is going to have a simple wedding. Just immediate family. And whoever the hell would want to marry her.

My girlfriend is Jewish. But it's easier to buy her a Christmas present and then break it into 8 pieces.