Sure, retarded jokes write themselves. But the spelling is always way off.

I have a twelve year old sex doll. Brand new.

I have that need in me, I want everyone to love me, but I'm embarrassed by that need, so I wanted to cover it up in my persona. I felt like I wouldn't be able to do stand-up for a career if I was needy. I didn't want to be complaining or whining onstage. I wanted to be cool and do exactly what I wanted to do. That way I would never have to change for anybody.

I grew up in a poor family. I had to cut everyone's hair, because we didn't have money for entertainment.

My neighbor complains every time my girlfriend and I have sex. We're not even that loud. But he used to date my girlfriend.

What do I care if someone doesn't like me. If I like someone other people hate, it makes me feel special. I think my fans feel that way.

My girlfriend wants an open relationship. I said no way. What kind of man would I be if I had to tell my friends I date you?