Sure, retarded jokes write themselves. But the spelling is always way off.

I love Austin, but last time I was in town for twelve hours. I was exhausted, drunk and miserable. But none of that was Austin's fault.

Who do you think was smarter, Jesus or Buddha? I mean, just in terms of not letting themselves get crucified.

An offended audience member repeating a comedian's act from memory is worse than, literally, anything.

I always loved comedy, but it never seemed like something that I could do professionally.

It was important to me to be cool as a comedian. I didn't want to be a crowd-pleaser who sent out the vibe of, "I need you guys." I wanted to be so cool that the audience could leave and I would still be killing, that I didn't want to have to rely on them or need them. That really appealed to me.

I come up with my jokes by thinking of a topic.