Whenever I meet a pretty girl, the first thing I look for is intelligence; because if she doesn't have that, then she’s mine.

I'm trying to teach my girlfriend how to surf. But I just end up yelling at her the whole time. Because I don't know how to surf.

I loved Stephen Wright, and I loved Mitch Hedberg, but they seemed like geniuses you could never emulate. You'd just be ripping them off.

That's the worst way you can hear about comedy material: from a third person's blog story that they wrote when they were upset.

The best way to break up with a girl is like I'm taking off a band-aid. Slowly and in the shower.

People say it's easy to make fun of retarded people, but it's not. You really have to explain it to them.

I'm fascinated by offensive subject matter. Always have been. It is very natural to me, as any teach I've ever had growing up could attest.