I spent all night feeding the homeless to dogs.

It's always difficult when someone close to you passes away. But it's really tough when they're on top of you.

I want to get a tattoo of the word irony, only misspelled.

Larry King is so old, he's actually one of the Jews that killed Christ.

In comedy, I hate that cop-out where you say, "Just kidding." I know you're just kidding. Don't insult my intelligence by spelling it out for me that much.

Everyone gets laid off and everyone in Hollywood gets unemployment for six months while they're looking for a new job. So I would just do stand-up for six months and think I was really making it, and when my unemployment ran out, I had to get another job immediately.

Of all the ways people save time, I think racism is the worst.