I spent all night feeding the homeless to dogs.

The best way to break up with a girl is like I'm taking off a band-aid. Slowly and in the shower.

I wish my family had taken more pictures when I was growing up. Instead of always having to draw everything.

The true meaning of Christmas is actually centuries of gullibility.

People are surprised that I'm nice and it helps me out a little bit; it's easy to be nice when everyone thinks you're going to be a jerk but if people think you're a nice guy then it's tough because it's what they expect.

It's always difficult when someone close to you passes away. But it's really tough when they're on top of you.

Childhood obesity affects all pedophiles.