I tell very mean jokes.

My girlfriend asked me if I only love her for her body. I said no, baby. Just parts of it.

It's always difficult when someone close to you passes away. But it's really tough when they're on top of you.

This past Christmas, I told my girlfriend for months in advance that all I wanted was an Xbox. That's it. Beginning and end of list, Xbox. You know what she got me? A homemade frame with a picture of us from our first date together. Which was fine. Because I got her an Xbox.

The true meaning of Christmas is actually centuries of gullibility.

I think some people just don't know that much about comedy. It would be like a person who didn't know anything about football thinking all offensive linemen are the same.

I never knew if I would get my own show, but I knew I loved stand-up.