I always loved comedy, but it never seemed like something that I could do professionally.
Anthony JeselnikMy girlfriend makes me want to be a better person... so I can get a better girlfriend.
Anthony JeselnikEvery comic went through their Mitch Hedberg phase - the glasses, the hair in the face - and you knew immediately when they were doing it.
Anthony JeselnikMy girlfriend is Jewish. But it's easier to buy her a Christmas present and then break it into 8 pieces.
Anthony JeselnikMy dad's been having a hard time lately. Keeps on losing his keys. Can't hang on to a set of keys to save his life. And he has tried everything too: little hook next to the door, little bowl next to his bed, keychain makes a noise when you whistle. Nothing worked. So finally, this year for his birthday, the whole family chipped in - and we put him in a home.
Anthony Jeselnik