I tell very mean jokes.

I would never hit a woman - even if she had a knife or a stutter.

My girlfriend loves to eat chocolate. She's always eating chocolate. And she likes to joke she's got a chocolate addiction. You know, she'd be like keep me away from those chocolate bars, I'm addicted to them. And it's really annoying. So one day I put her in the car and I drove her downtown and I pointed out a crack addict. And I said you see that honey? Why can't you be that skinny?

God, that Anthony Jeselnik Show sounds really funny.

I don't have much racial stuff in my act. And no one's ever really threatened me to my face. Threats on the internet don't bother me so much.

I hated my mom for not letting me play football as a kid. So when I have kids someday, I guarantee they'll never meet their grandmother.

I had written for Jimmy Kimmel and Sarah Silverman in the past. Jimmy had a different voice, and different priorities. He couldnt be the bad guy in the joke; he couldnt upset people, really.