Watching soccer just makes me wish I was watching Foosball.

My sister just had a baby, a little newborn. The kid is adorable, so cute. She wouldn't let me hold him, she refuses. She says, 'No way, Anthony, I'm afraid you're gonna drop him.' I'm 32 years old. Like I'm some kind of idiot. Like I don't have a million other ways to hurt that baby.

I feel worthless. My girlfriend was attacked on the subway yesterday. And I can't even enjoy it.

Every comic went through their Mitch Hedberg phase - the glasses, the hair in the face - and you knew immediately when they were doing it.

I don't think people shouldn't try to be edgy, but you have to take what the audience says to you in consideration.

When I was seven, I broke my leg playing soccer. Just to feel something.

I will never understand how a mother can kill her own baby and not get away with it.