Watching soccer just makes me wish I was watching Foosball.

An offended audience member repeating a comedian's act from memory is worse than, literally, anything.

Who do you think was smarter, Jesus or Buddha? I mean, just in terms of not letting themselves get crucified.

I will never understand how a mother can kill her own baby and not get away with it.

I like to read, but otherwise I'm just your average, self-obsessed comedian. It's pretty much all I think about.

I'm fascinated by offensive subject matter. Always have been. It is very natural to me, as any teach I've ever had growing up could attest.

With comics, you always talk about a big break, but there are a lot of big breaks in your life and not one of them makes a big difference.