Watching soccer just makes me wish I was watching Foosball.

My girlfriend is upset about her new haircut. I don't understand why she's crying. I'm the one who has to get a new girlfriend.

I've spent the past two years looking for my ex-girlfriend’s killer… but no one will do it.

When my girlfriend cooks dinner, I'm happy to do the dishes. Because I make her wash dishes when I take her to a restaurant.

My girlfriend is despicable. I just found out she flirted with my brother, during my mom's funeral, while I was asleep.

The best way to break up with a girl is like I'm taking off a band-aid. Slowly and in the shower.

I was always fascinated by forbidden things people didn't want to talk about, like death.