I'm trying to teach my girlfriend how to surf. But I just end up yelling at her the whole time. Because I don't know how to surf.

I don't have a type, really. But I've always been more attracted to girls who yell fire.

Charlie Sheen called his boss on 'Two and a Half Men' a 'Jew ki**' and expected to go back to work. That’s crazy. If you could do that and keep your job, then everybody would do it.

I always loved comedy, but it never seemed like something that I could do professionally.

I would write 100 jokes a day. Most of them were terrible. But I just said, 'I'll write more than everybody else, and that's how I'll get better.'

I'm inspired by making people laugh at subjects that should make them cry.

The driving force behind doing everything that I've been doing as a stand-up is having problems with authority and not liking to be told what to do.