It's impossible for me to hear the words quadruple murder suicide without thinking of my grandparents.

My dad was amazing. He raised five boys. All by himself. Without the rest of us knowing.

My sister is going to have a simple wedding. Just immediate family. And whoever the hell would want to marry her.

My girlfriend loves to eat chocolate. She's always eating chocolate. And she likes to joke she's got a chocolate addiction. You know, she'd be like keep me away from those chocolate bars, I'm addicted to them. And it's really annoying. So one day I put her in the car and I drove her downtown and I pointed out a crack addict. And I said you see that honey? Why can't you be that skinny?

Hitler really wasn't so bad. In the black way.

My dad's been having a hard time lately. Keeps on losing his keys. Can't hang on to a set of keys to save his life. And he has tried everything too: little hook next to the door, little bowl next to his bed, keychain makes a noise when you whistle. Nothing worked. So finally, this year for his birthday, the whole family chipped in - and we put him in a home.

Tom Cruise's pre-nup lets him keep his money, the kids and Katie Holmes.