I want to get a tattoo of the word irony, only misspelled.

I know her in the biblical senseand when I say that, I mean I don't believe a word she says.

I would love to DJ the royal wedding. Just so I could play Candle in the Wind non-stop.

If your house is on fire and you can only escape with your life and one thing, what one thing would you take out of your house? I got to think my laptop is the one thing that is totally irreplaceable. Either that or my son. Laptop. I'll go laptop.

I can drink like a fish, or at least, someone born with fetal alcohol syndrome.

About a year after I moved to Los Angeles, I decided I wanted to be a joke writer for a late night talk show. So I met with a late night joke writer and he told me that I should start by doing stand-up comedy, because that would really hone my sense of humor and joke writing ability. Eventually I took a stand-up class and a few months later I had a seven-minute act.

I've got a kid in Africa that I feed, that I clothe, that I school, that I inoculate for 75 cents a day. Which is practically nothing compared to what it cost to send him there.