I want to get a tattoo of the word irony, only misspelled.

I guess I prefer the laughs. I couldn't do a whole set of just shocks, but I like throwing a fastball inside every now and then to keep people on their toes.

I think some people just don't know that much about comedy. It would be like a person who didn't know anything about football thinking all offensive linemen are the same.

I don't have a type, really. But I've always been more attracted to girls who yell fire.

Father's Day makes me wish I could talk to my Dad just one more time, instead of all the time.

My girlfriend was just killed in a car accident. Devastating. I can't believe I'm only going to have sex with her one more time.

I'm very arrogant and mean. I'm almost like a bad guy professional wrestler.