I want to get a tattoo of the word irony, only misspelled.

I'm fascinated by offensive subject matter. Always have been. It is very natural to me, as any teach I've ever had growing up could attest.

Whenever I’m about to have sex with a girl, I play it smart and just automatically assume she has herpes; because that way I don’t have to tell her about my herpes.

I was always fascinated by forbidden things people didn't want to talk about, like death.

The true meaning of Christmas is actually centuries of gullibility.

When I finished high school, I wanted to take all my graduation money and buy myself a motorcycle. But my mom said no. See, she had a brother who died in a horrible motorcycle accident when he was 18. And I could just have his motorcycle.

I want to marry the kind of girl that walks out of an abortion clinic with a lollipop.