I think my friends wife has been banging a black guy. Because they just had a baby. And the baby had a hole in it.

I had written for Jimmy Kimmel and Sarah Silverman in the past. Jimmy had a different voice, and different priorities. He couldnt be the bad guy in the joke; he couldnt upset people, really.

Every comic went through their Mitch Hedberg phase - the glasses, the hair in the face - and you knew immediately when they were doing it.

I try to retire jokes as soon as I can once I put them on an album. But I can't think of anything I just stopped doing for no reason.

I'm too cynical to be an optimist.

Everyone gets laid off and everyone in Hollywood gets unemployment for six months while they're looking for a new job. So I would just do stand-up for six months and think I was really making it, and when my unemployment ran out, I had to get another job immediately.

I spent all night feeding the homeless to dogs.