I think my friends wife has been banging a black guy. Because they just had a baby. And the baby had a hole in it.

I don't want to wake up with cops surrounding my bed tonight.

Every night, my girlfriend comes home from work, and she brings with her a houseplant. She's like, 'Anthony, I had to pick this up. We need a houseplant in our apartment.' And every night, I make her return it. I say, 'No way, baby. You can't take care of a houseplant. You couldn't even keep your baby alive.'

That's the worst way you can hear about comedy material: from a third person's blog story that they wrote when they were upset.

I spent all night feeding the homeless to dogs.

I would love to DJ the royal wedding. Just so I could play Candle in the Wind non-stop.

There is nothing that's off limits. If people think something is off limits, I make it my business to go make a joke about it; that's my job.