I was a terrible employee. I've been fired from almost every job I've ever had, luckily, in a good way, or else I'd be stuck. I would always joke around with everybody, and no one enjoyed my humor.

I like to read, but otherwise I'm just your average, self-obsessed comedian. It's pretty much all I think about.

Childhood obesity affects all pedophiles.

My girlfriend is despicable. I just found out she flirted with my brother, during my mom's funeral, while I was asleep.

Mike Tyson, what can I say about you that hasn’t already been the title of a Richard Pryor album?

I think my friends wife has been banging a black guy. Because they just had a baby. And the baby had a hole in it.

Donald, I'm not sure if you're even aware of this, but the only difference between you and Michael Douglas from the movie, Wall Street, is that no one's going to be sad when you get cancer.