The opposite of sad is down's syndrome.

Mike Tyson, what can I say about you that hasn’t already been the title of a Richard Pryor album?

An offended audience member repeating a comedian's act from memory is worse than, literally, anything.

I can't talk politics with my cousin because he's such a hypocrite. He's against the death penalty and he hanged himself.

I got into comedy because I wanted to get into writing.

I have a rare form of body dysmorphia in which I absolutely can't stand how good I look.

My perfect night would be going out to an awesome restaurant, then heading over to the Comedy Cellar to hang out with other comics, drinking beers and making fun of each other.