An offended audience member repeating a comedian's act from memory is worse than, literally, anything.

The world is full of horrible things that will eventually get you and everything you care about. Laughter is a universal way to lift your head up and say: 'Not today, you bastards.'

The driving force behind doing everything that I've been doing as a stand-up is having problems with authority and not liking to be told what to do.

Hitler really wasn't so bad. In the black way.

The world is full of horrible things.

My girlfriend is upset about her new haircut. I don't understand why she's crying. I'm the one who has to get a new girlfriend.

I prefer to sleep with deaf girls. Those crazy chicks never have a safe word.