An offended audience member repeating a comedian's act from memory is worse than, literally, anything.

I like to play pranks on my girlfriend, you know, keep things fresh for me, make me laugh, you know? She hates it. But like, the other night, I put Saran wrap over the toilet seat, you know, which doesn't sound that original, but she's bulimic.

The best way to break up with a girl is like I'm taking off a band-aid. Slowly and in the shower.

My sister just had a baby, a little newborn. The kid is adorable, so cute. She wouldn't let me hold him, she refuses. She says, 'No way, Anthony, I'm afraid you're gonna drop him.' I'm 32 years old. Like I'm some kind of idiot. Like I don't have a million other ways to hurt that baby.

My dad was amazing. He raised five boys. All by himself. Without the rest of us knowing.

I'm a realist all the way. I'm too cynical to be an optimist. But I've lived too much of a charmed life so far to ever be a pessimist.

My ex-girlfriend owned a parakeet…oh my god, that f**king thing would never shut up. But the bird was cool.