An offended audience member repeating a comedian's act from memory is worse than, literally, anything.

My girlfriend has the greatest story as to why she isn't religious anymore. When she was a kid, like 12 years old, her parents nailed a 25 pound crucifix to the wall right above her bed. About two weeks later, in the middle of the night, the crucifix falls off the wall and leaves a two inch gash in the back of her dad's head.

That's the worst way you can hear about comedy material: from a third person's blog story that they wrote when they were upset.

I was a weird kid because I liked to be alone, but I craved attention. It was important for me to be cool, but I couldn't keep my mouth shut. So I was either talking for the sake of talking, or I was curled up with a book somewhere hiding from everyone.

I think my friend Jeff is gay. I don't know - I'm so bad with names.

Racist dermatologists think all black people have really bad skin.

Mike Tyson, what can I say about you that hasn’t already been the title of a Richard Pryor album?