My girlfriend makes me want to be a better person... so I can get a better girlfriend.

I have a twelve year old sex doll. Brand new.

Mike Tyson, what can I say about you that hasn’t already been the title of a Richard Pryor album?

Halloween is just a made up holiday, created by the razor blade industry.

Katey Sagal, you are an incredible actress. You worked on ‘Married with Children,’ the show that changed comedy, ‘Sons of Anarchy,’ the show that took comedy to a whole new level and ‘8 Simple Rules,’ the show that killed John Ritter.

Every Sunday my dad calls to ask if I went to church. And every Sunday I lie and say: Sorry. Wrong Number.

I was a terrible employee. I've been fired from almost every job I've ever had, luckily, in a good way, or else I'd be stuck. I would always joke around with everybody, and no one enjoyed my humor.