My girlfriend makes me want to be a better person... so I can get a better girlfriend.

I'm actually a really nice guy, once you get to blow me.

My neighbor complains every time my girlfriend and I have sex. We're not even that loud. But he used to date my girlfriend.

My girlfriend is despicable. I just found out she flirted with my brother, during my mom's funeral, while I was asleep.

My girlfriend has the greatest story as to why she isn't religious anymore. When she was a kid, like 12 years old, her parents nailed a 25 pound crucifix to the wall right above her bed. About two weeks later, in the middle of the night, the crucifix falls off the wall and leaves a two inch gash in the back of her dad's head.

You'll get my assault weapon when you pry it out of my curious six-year-old's cold dead hands.

I killed a squirrel once with a car. Twice with a tennis racket.