My girlfriend makes me want to be a better person... so I can get a better girlfriend.

About a year after I moved to Los Angeles, I decided I wanted to be a joke writer for a late night talk show. So I met with a late night joke writer and he told me that I should start by doing stand-up comedy, because that would really hone my sense of humor and joke writing ability. Eventually I took a stand-up class and a few months later I had a seven-minute act.

I'm getting pretty worried. My girlfriend hasn't gotten her period. And she's already 14.

It's always difficult when someone close to you passes away. But it's really tough when they're on top of you.

I have a rare form of body dysmorphia in which I absolutely can't stand how good I look.

I guess I prefer the laughs. I couldn't do a whole set of just shocks, but I like throwing a fastball inside every now and then to keep people on their toes.

That's the worst way you can hear about comedy material: from a third person's blog story that they wrote when they were upset.