My girlfriend makes me want to be a better person... so I can get a better girlfriend.

My girlfriend asked me if I only love her for her body. I said no, baby. Just parts of it.

My girlfriend is despicable. I just found out she flirted with my brother, during my mom's funeral, while I was asleep.

Amy [Schumer] and I each have our cross to bear when it comes to tattoos. Amy and I are funny when we fight. It just keeps escalating until one of us starts laughing. Then it's over. I'm happy that we're friends.

God, that Anthony Jeselnik Show sounds really funny.

Valentine's Day was created by the greeting card industry to get pussy.

I don't have much racial stuff in my act. And no one's ever really threatened me to my face. Threats on the internet don't bother me so much.