I never knew if I would get my own show, but I knew I loved stand-up.

My sister is going to have a simple wedding. Just immediate family. And whoever the hell would want to marry her.

I have a rare form of body dysmorphia in which I absolutely can't stand how good I look.

The best way to break up with a girl is like I'm taking off a band-aid. Slowly and in the shower.

I can stand by a tweet. But Comedy Central said they couldn't publicly support me, unless I deleted it. I wasn't about to tell the people who work for me that they didn't have jobs anymore because I wasn't going to delete a stupid tweet.

She got really mad a month ago, because she had e-mailed me a naked picture of herself - which is a nice thing to do - but then I messed up, and I accidentally forwarded that e-mail to both of my parents. Now, my girlfriend is furious, mortified, but I don't even care, 'cause now I have to call up my mother and say 'Mom, I am so sorry - that picture was just for dad.'

Im not the voice of reason; Im more the guy using these offensive topics as fodder to raise tension in a joke.