I never knew if I would get my own show, but I knew I loved stand-up.

When I finished high school, I wanted to take all my graduation money and buy myself a motorcycle. But my mom said no. See, she had a brother who died in a horrible motorcycle accident when he was 18. And I could just have his motorcycle.

I'll be very busy, which is all I need.

I know her in the biblical senseand when I say that, I mean I don't believe a word she says.

I was raised Catholic. I rejected it later on. I'm an outspoken atheist now. People say, 'Oh, it's a negative thing to be an atheist.' I don't agree. I think it's more optimistic to think that there is no God, no afterlife.

Every year I volunteer at a hospital on Thanksgiving, deep-frying turkeys in the children's burn unit. I do it just to see the looks on their little "faces."

The best way to break up with a girl is like I'm taking off a band-aid. Slowly and in the shower.