I never knew if I would get my own show, but I knew I loved stand-up.

My girlfriend makes me want to be a better person... so I can get a better girlfriend.

When I finished high school, I wanted to take all my graduation money and buy myself a motorcycle. But my mom said no. See, she had a brother who died in a horrible motorcycle accident when he was 18. And I could just have his motorcycle.

I want to get a tattoo of the word irony, only misspelled.

I don't have a type, really. But I've always been more attracted to girls who yell fire.

You look like you deep fry your hands before you bite your fingernails.

I wish my family had taken more pictures when I was growing up. Instead of always having to draw everything.