I never knew if I would get my own show, but I knew I loved stand-up.

My sister is going to have a simple wedding. Just immediate family. And whoever the hell would want to marry her.

I'm too cynical to be an optimist.

In comedy, I hate that cop-out where you say, "Just kidding." I know you're just kidding. Don't insult my intelligence by spelling it out for me that much.

Whenever I meet a pretty girl, the first thing I look for is intelligence; because if she doesn't have that, then she’s mine.

I prefer to sleep with deaf girls. Those crazy chicks never have a safe word.

Sure, my uncle killed himself playing Russian Roulette. But I choose to remember him as a great Russian Roulette player.