What do I care if someone doesn't like me. If I like someone other people hate, it makes me feel special. I think my fans feel that way.

A couple of months ago, I gave my girlfriend some fancy lingerie, and she actually got mad at me. She said, 'Anthony, I think this is more of a gift for you than it is for me.' And I said, 'If you want to get technical, it was originally a gift for my last girlfriend.'

I like seeing what the comedian thinks is funny, not just what they think I'll think is funny.

Perhaps I'm being too optimistic, but I think this country is finally ready for a black serial killer.

My girlfriend wants an open relationship. I said no way. What kind of man would I be if I had to tell my friends I date you?

You know how everybody has that one weird creepy uncle? Well, Seth Green looks like he got raped by all of them.

When I finished high school, I wanted to take all my graduation money and buy myself a motorcycle. But my mom said no. See, she had a brother who died in a horrible motorcycle accident when he was 18. And I could just have his motorcycle.