What do I care if someone doesn't like me. If I like someone other people hate, it makes me feel special. I think my fans feel that way.

I'm trying to teach my girlfriend how to surf. But I just end up yelling at her the whole time. Because I don't know how to surf.

I had to break up with my last girlfriend for lying about being raped by her neighbor. But I've met her neighbor, he's a cool guy. Not like her other creepy ass neighbor though.

People are surprised that I'm nice and it helps me out a little bit; it's easy to be nice when everyone thinks you're going to be a jerk but if people think you're a nice guy then it's tough because it's what they expect.

If I tell a joke on stage and the crowd laughs for a minute, I stand there for a minute and enjoy them laughing before I go on to the next joke. On TV, if I stand there for a minute while they laugh, I look like an idiot who can't remember the next joke.

Tom Cruise's pre-nup lets him keep his money, the kids and Katie Holmes.

I try to retire jokes as soon as I can once I put them on an album. But I can't think of anything I just stopped doing for no reason.