What do I care if someone doesn't like me. If I like someone other people hate, it makes me feel special. I think my fans feel that way.

Tom Cruise's pre-nup lets him keep his money, the kids and Katie Holmes.

I think my friends wife has been banging a black guy. Because they just had a baby. And the baby had a hole in it.

Every Sunday my dad calls to ask if I went to church. And every Sunday I lie and say: Sorry. Wrong Number.

I'm too cynical to be an optimist.

My girlfriend is despicable. I just found out she flirted with my brother, during my mom's funeral, while I was asleep.

In a late-night monologue, it's not just about being funny; you have to come off as knowledgeable. You have to cultivate a persona of trust and intelligence and likeability.