I try to retire jokes as soon as I can once I put them on an album. But I can't think of anything I just stopped doing for no reason.

Tom Cruise's pre-nup lets him keep his money, the kids and Katie Holmes.

I'm a comedian and there are a lot of things I'm still learning. I love one liners because I love smart jokes. I also don't like complaining about society or whining about my life on stage.

I could see myself adopting a kid someday. But, obviously, I'd prefer it to be aborted.

I was a weird kid because I liked to be alone, but I craved attention. It was important for me to be cool, but I couldn't keep my mouth shut. So I was either talking for the sake of talking, or I was curled up with a book somewhere hiding from everyone.

I'm getting pretty worried. My girlfriend hasn't gotten her period. And she's already 14.

I would write 100 jokes a day. Most of them were terrible. But I just said, 'I'll write more than everybody else, and that's how I'll get better.'