I had to break up with my last girlfriend for lying about being raped by her neighbor. But I've met her neighbor, he's a cool guy. Not like her other creepy ass neighbor though.

My girlfriend was just killed in a car accident. Devastating. I can't believe I'm only going to have sex with her one more time.

In comedy, I hate that cop-out where you say, "Just kidding." I know you're just kidding. Don't insult my intelligence by spelling it out for me that much.

Child molesters must all think they've got huge dicks.

I'll be very busy, which is all I need.

Im not the voice of reason; Im more the guy using these offensive topics as fodder to raise tension in a joke.

I would write 100 jokes a day. Most of them were terrible. But I just said, 'I'll write more than everybody else, and that's how I'll get better.'