Tom Cruise's pre-nup lets him keep his money, the kids and Katie Holmes.

An offended audience member repeating a comedian's act from memory is worse than, literally, anything.

I would never hit a woman - even if she had a knife or a stutter.

Larry King is so old, he's actually one of the Jews that killed Christ.

I actually never acted on "Deadwood." I have meetings all the time where people look at my IMDb page and see that I played the part of "Accounting Clerk" on Deadwood. Actually, I was the accounting clerk for production of "Deadwood."

I don't want to wake up with cops surrounding my bed tonight.

I have that need in me, I want everyone to love me, but I'm embarrassed by that need, so I wanted to cover it up in my persona. I felt like I wouldn't be able to do stand-up for a career if I was needy. I didn't want to be complaining or whining onstage. I wanted to be cool and do exactly what I wanted to do. That way I would never have to change for anybody.