I love anyone who surprises me and makes me laugh.

I don't ever want to have kids of my own. But I do want a lot of kids.

I never knew if I would get my own show, but I knew I loved stand-up.

When my girlfriend cooks dinner, I'm happy to do the dishes. Because I make her wash dishes when I take her to a restaurant.

You'll get my assault weapon when you pry it out of my curious six-year-old's cold dead hands.

I'm trying to teach my girlfriend how to surf. But I just end up yelling at her the whole time. Because I don't know how to surf.

Disasters are funny to me. As a comedian you learn from failure, so I'm always trying to put myself in a situation that does not seem ideal for my comedy and see how it works.