I’m not a religious person; I would call myself an atheist. I don’t have a good story behind it, I’m just reasonable.

Childhood obesity affects all pedophiles.

I was a terrible employee. I've been fired from almost every job I've ever had, luckily, in a good way, or else I'd be stuck. I would always joke around with everybody, and no one enjoyed my humor.

I'm inspired by making people laugh at subjects that should make them cry.

Every comic went through their Mitch Hedberg phase - the glasses, the hair in the face - and you knew immediately when they were doing it.

When I finished high school, I wanted to take all my graduation money and buy myself a motorcycle. But my mom said no. See, she had a brother who died in a horrible motorcycle accident when he was 18. And I could just have his motorcycle.

What do they call that hat Jewish guys always wear? A Yankees cap.