I’m not a religious person; I would call myself an atheist. I don’t have a good story behind it, I’m just reasonable.

Doctor just told me I can't have kids. I asked for a second opinion. He said, Why? No one's gonna to let you take kids from this hospital.

Father's Day makes me wish I could talk to my Dad just one more time, instead of all the time.

Yesterday I accidentally hit a little kid with my car. It wasn't serious — nobody saw me.

An offended audience member repeating a comedian's act from memory is worse than, literally, anything.

The world is full of horrible things.

When I was seven, I broke my leg playing soccer. Just to feel something.