Hitler really wasn't so bad. In the black way.

Doctor just told me I can't have kids. I asked for a second opinion. He said, Why? No one's gonna to let you take kids from this hospital.

Every Sunday my dad calls to ask if I went to church. And every Sunday I lie and say: Sorry. Wrong Number.

I do dark [humor]. I like people who are silly and weird and people who are surprising and good at what they do.

An offended audience member repeating a comedian's act from memory is worse than, literally, anything.

I would love to DJ the royal wedding. Just so I could play Candle in the Wind non-stop.

I can drink like a fish, or at least, someone born with fetal alcohol syndrome.