Whenever I’m about to have sex with a girl, I play it smart and just automatically assume she has herpes; because that way I don’t have to tell her about my herpes.

I actually never acted on "Deadwood." I have meetings all the time where people look at my IMDb page and see that I played the part of "Accounting Clerk" on Deadwood. Actually, I was the accounting clerk for production of "Deadwood."

I don't think Metallica sits around all day wondering why country music fans don't embrace them.

I'm a realist all the way. I'm too cynical to be an optimist. But I've lived too much of a charmed life so far to ever be a pessimist.

I could see myself adopting a kid someday. But, obviously, I'd prefer it to be aborted.

I always loved comedy, but it never seemed like something that I could do professionally.

I was always cutting words. I even would write my jokes in my notebook. I still do this, almost like a poem.