Whenever I’m about to have sex with a girl, I play it smart and just automatically assume she has herpes; because that way I don’t have to tell her about my herpes.

I like to read, but otherwise I'm just your average, self-obsessed comedian. It's pretty much all I think about.

I'll be very busy, which is all I need.

There is nothing that's off limits. If people think something is off limits, I make it my business to go make a joke about it; that's my job.

I love anyone who surprises me and makes me laugh.

Every night, my girlfriend comes home from work, and she brings with her a houseplant. She's like, 'Anthony, I had to pick this up. We need a houseplant in our apartment.' And every night, I make her return it. I say, 'No way, baby. You can't take care of a houseplant. You couldn't even keep your baby alive.'

I would write 100 jokes a day. Most of them were terrible. But I just said, 'I'll write more than everybody else, and that's how I'll get better.'