Whenever I’m about to have sex with a girl, I play it smart and just automatically assume she has herpes; because that way I don’t have to tell her about my herpes.

I'm getting pretty worried. My girlfriend hasn't gotten her period. And she's already 14.

I'm a realist all the way. I'm too cynical to be an optimist. But I've lived too much of a charmed life so far to ever be a pessimist.

I wish my family had taken more pictures when I was growing up. Instead of always having to draw everything.

It seemed fun to play a villain on stage and I wanted my jokes to be so good that I could just calmly tell them on stage.

Racist dermatologists think all black people have really bad skin.

I prefer to sleep with deaf girls. Those crazy chicks never have a safe word.