There is nothing that's off limits. If people think something is off limits, I make it my business to go make a joke about it; that's my job.

I'll be very busy, which is all I need.

My girlfriend makes me want to be a better person... so I can get a better girlfriend.

Halloween is just a made up holiday, created by the razor blade industry.

My girlfriend wants an open relationship. I said no way. What kind of man would I be if I had to tell my friends I date you?

You don't know anything about pain until you've seen your own baby drowned in a tub... and you definitely don't know anything about how to wash a baby.

Yeah we're not together anymore. She has got - she has got a new boyfriend now. They just moved into together. And I've heard rumors that he is abusive, which makes you want to go over there with a baseball bat. And then blame it on her boyfriend.