I hated my mom for not letting me play football as a kid. So when I have kids someday, I guarantee they'll never meet their grandmother.

I like the idea of being the funny guy in the dramatic thing, playing a hit man with a weird sense of humor.

Childhood obesity affects all pedophiles.

I'm not a comedy writer, I'm a comedian, so I only write stuff that I would want to say.

The world is full of horrible things.

Disasters are funny to me. As a comedian you learn from failure, so I'm always trying to put myself in a situation that does not seem ideal for my comedy and see how it works.

I'm actually a really nice guy, once you get to blow me.