I hated my mom for not letting me play football as a kid. So when I have kids someday, I guarantee they'll never meet their grandmother.

Yeah we're not together anymore. She has got - she has got a new boyfriend now. They just moved into together. And I've heard rumors that he is abusive, which makes you want to go over there with a baseball bat. And then blame it on her boyfriend.

I want people to just be paying attention even if they're not necessarily laughing at something, or if it takes them a while to get something, I don't mind that. If half the crowd gets the joke and the other half is sitting there scratching their heads, that's just as good for me if I like the joke, because I feel like it just brings people in more.

I'm inspired by making people laugh at subjects that should make them cry.

I love Pittsburgh. Most of my family still lives there and I try to get back a couple of times a year.

You don't know anything about pain until you've seen your own baby drowned in a tub... and you definitely don't know anything about how to wash a baby.

People say it's easy to make fun of retarded people, but it's not. You really have to explain it to them.