I hated my mom for not letting me play football as a kid. So when I have kids someday, I guarantee they'll never meet their grandmother.

My mom, for most of her life, was a Holocaust denier. And it was terrible for the entire family to have to deal with until, finally, a couple years ago, we had an intervention. And we had a rabbi come into the home, had him walk her through the history of the Jewish people, and then he made her watch "Schindler's List." And after that, my mom did a complete 180. Now she can't believe it only happened once.

I think some people just don't know that much about comedy. It would be like a person who didn't know anything about football thinking all offensive linemen are the same.

My neighbor complains every time my girlfriend and I have sex. We're not even that loud. But he used to date my girlfriend.

My dad was a complicated man. He was a huge racist, my dad, but he still tried to be a good father, you know? Like, he would tell me that Santa Claus was black - that way, when I found out he didn't exist, it wouldn't be that big a let down.

I feel worthless. My girlfriend was attacked on the subway yesterday. And I can't even enjoy it.

My girlfriend is despicable. I just found out she flirted with my brother, during my mom's funeral, while I was asleep.