I could see myself adopting a kid someday. But, obviously, I'd prefer it to be aborted.

In comedy, I hate that cop-out where you say, "Just kidding." I know you're just kidding. Don't insult my intelligence by spelling it out for me that much.

I'm too cynical to be an optimist.

Who do you think was smarter, Jesus or Buddha? I mean, just in terms of not letting themselves get crucified.

Mike Tyson, what can I say about you that hasn’t already been the title of a Richard Pryor album?

I can stand by a tweet. But Comedy Central said they couldn't publicly support me, unless I deleted it. I wasn't about to tell the people who work for me that they didn't have jobs anymore because I wasn't going to delete a stupid tweet.

God, that Anthony Jeselnik Show sounds really funny.