I could see myself adopting a kid someday. But, obviously, I'd prefer it to be aborted.

Halloween is just a made up holiday, created by the razor blade industry.

I had a happy childhood in a nice suburban area, pretty idyllic, upper middle class and very, very white. My dad is an attorney. My mother is a housewife. They had five kids in seven years: me, my brother, and three sisters. I'm the oldest. We were all very active. My mother was exhausted.

I let a friend set me up on a blind date. It was a disaster. She ended up being a burn victim. By the end of the night.

I hated my mom for not letting me play football as a kid. So when I have kids someday, I guarantee they'll never meet their grandmother.

I try to write three jokes every morning, although I don't know what they are. I write them as fast as I can, then I put them away for a month. So I couldn't even tell you what they are, or if they're good. I just assume they weren't.

Father's Day makes me wish I could talk to my Dad just one more time, instead of all the time.