You'll get my assault weapon when you pry it out of my curious six-year-old's cold dead hands.

Usually the beginning of a story that people hear a lot. For example, "My girlfriend is upset about her new haircut" or "My dad keeps losing his car keys." And then I just think of different ways the story could end. "My girlfriend is upset about her new haircut. I don't understand why she's crying. I'm the one who has to get a new girlfriend." Then I try it out on stage. I don't do a lot of re-writing. My jokes either work or they don't. The trick is just to write a ton of jokes.

On the show, you have to be more charismatic, a little smoother, but I think I can still be that prince of darkness. You just have to learn the tricks of the TV trade as well.

I'm trying to teach my girlfriend how to surf. But I just end up yelling at her the whole time. Because I don't know how to surf.

I can't talk politics with my cousin because he's such a hypocrite. He's against the death penalty and he hanged himself.

An offended audience member repeating a comedian's act from memory is worse than, literally, anything.

I think brilliant stuff comes out of working with limitations. One liners are very limiting, but that's what drew me to them in the first place.