You'll get my assault weapon when you pry it out of my curious six-year-old's cold dead hands.

Valentine's Day was created by the greeting card industry to get pussy.

It seemed fun to play a villain on stage and I wanted my jokes to be so good that I could just calmly tell them on stage.

Whenever I’m about to have sex with a girl, I play it smart and just automatically assume she has herpes; because that way I don’t have to tell her about my herpes.

I wish my family had taken more pictures when I was growing up. Instead of always having to draw everything.

Im not the voice of reason; Im more the guy using these offensive topics as fodder to raise tension in a joke.

I would never hit a woman - even if she had a knife or a stutter.