You'll get my assault weapon when you pry it out of my curious six-year-old's cold dead hands.

I always loved comedy, but it never seemed like something that I could do professionally.

This past Christmas, I told my girlfriend for months in advance that all I wanted was an Xbox. That's it. Beginning and end of list, Xbox. You know what she got me? A homemade frame with a picture of us from our first date together. Which was fine. Because I got her an Xbox.

I’m not a religious person; I would call myself an atheist. I don’t have a good story behind it, I’m just reasonable.

With comics, you always talk about a big break, but there are a lot of big breaks in your life and not one of them makes a big difference.

I was always cutting words. I even would write my jokes in my notebook. I still do this, almost like a poem.

I tell very mean jokes.