You'll get my assault weapon when you pry it out of my curious six-year-old's cold dead hands.

An offended audience member repeating a comedian's act from memory is worse than, literally, anything.

I'm actually a really nice guy, once you get to blow me.

I would write 100 jokes a day. Most of them were terrible. But I just said, 'I'll write more than everybody else, and that's how I'll get better.'

Watching soccer just makes me wish I was watching Foosball.

I feel worthless. My girlfriend was attacked on the subway yesterday. And I can't even enjoy it.

My ex-girlfriend owned a parakeet…oh my god, that f**king thing would never shut up. But the bird was cool.