You'll get my assault weapon when you pry it out of my curious six-year-old's cold dead hands.

My favorite sport is football. I'm a die hard Steelers fan. Favorite players were Hines Ward and Greg Lloyd.

I don't ever want to have kids of my own. But I do want a lot of kids.

I try to write three jokes every morning, although I don't know what they are. I write them as fast as I can, then I put them away for a month. So I couldn't even tell you what they are, or if they're good. I just assume they weren't.

My dad was amazing. He raised five boys. All by himself. Without the rest of us knowing.

Sure, my uncle killed himself playing Russian Roulette. But I choose to remember him as a great Russian Roulette player.

I don't want to wake up with cops surrounding my bed tonight.