You'll get my assault weapon when you pry it out of my curious six-year-old's cold dead hands.

I like to read, but otherwise I'm just your average, self-obsessed comedian. It's pretty much all I think about.

I like the idea of being the funny guy in the dramatic thing, playing a hit man with a weird sense of humor.

I'll be very busy, which is all I need.

My dad's been having a hard time lately. Keeps on losing his keys. Can't hang on to a set of keys to save his life. And he has tried everything too: little hook next to the door, little bowl next to his bed, keychain makes a noise when you whistle. Nothing worked. So finally, this year for his birthday, the whole family chipped in - and we put him in a home.

My ex-girlfriend owned a parakeet…oh my god, that f**king thing would never shut up. But the bird was cool.

When I was seven, I broke my leg playing soccer. Just to feel something.