I'm actually a really nice guy, once you get to blow me.

I do dark [humor]. I like people who are silly and weird and people who are surprising and good at what they do.

I let a friend set me up on a blind date. It was a disaster. She ended up being a burn victim. By the end of the night.

I'm not a comedy writer, I'm a comedian, so I only write stuff that I would want to say.

An offended audience member repeating a comedian's act from memory is worse than, literally, anything.

My sister just had a baby, a little newborn. The kid is adorable, so cute. She wouldn't let me hold him, she refuses. She says, 'No way, Anthony, I'm afraid you're gonna drop him.' I'm 32 years old. Like I'm some kind of idiot. Like I don't have a million other ways to hurt that baby.

Silence means they [the audience] are paying attention. Even if I drop bombs and they're dead quiet, it's still okay. If they start talking, that's when you've lost them.