I'm actually a really nice guy, once you get to blow me.

The driving force behind doing everything that I've been doing as a stand-up is having problems with authority and not liking to be told what to do.

I'm fascinated by offensive subject matter. Always have been. It is very natural to me, as any teach I've ever had growing up could attest.

Child molesters must all think they've got huge dicks.

My dad's been having a hard time lately. Keeps on losing his keys. Can't hang on to a set of keys to save his life. And he has tried everything too: little hook next to the door, little bowl next to his bed, keychain makes a noise when you whistle. Nothing worked. So finally, this year for his birthday, the whole family chipped in - and we put him in a home.

I don't think Metallica sits around all day wondering why country music fans don't embrace them.

Sure, retarded jokes write themselves. But the spelling is always way off.