My neighbor complains every time my girlfriend and I have sex. We're not even that loud. But he used to date my girlfriend.

Whenever I’m about to have sex with a girl, I play it smart and just automatically assume she has herpes; because that way I don’t have to tell her about my herpes.

Mike Tyson, what can I say about you that hasn’t already been the title of a Richard Pryor album?

Disasters are funny to me. As a comedian you learn from failure, so I'm always trying to put myself in a situation that does not seem ideal for my comedy and see how it works.

I guess I prefer the laughs. I couldn't do a whole set of just shocks, but I like throwing a fastball inside every now and then to keep people on their toes.

People say it's easy to make fun of retarded people, but it's not. You really have to explain it to them.

My girlfriend is Jewish. But it's easier to buy her a Christmas present and then break it into 8 pieces.