My neighbor complains every time my girlfriend and I have sex. We're not even that loud. But he used to date my girlfriend.

When my girlfriend cooks dinner, I'm happy to do the dishes. Because I make her wash dishes when I take her to a restaurant.

I can drink like a fish, or at least, someone born with fetal alcohol syndrome.

My sister is going to have a simple wedding. Just immediate family. And whoever the hell would want to marry her.

I don't want to wake up with cops surrounding my bed tonight.

Everyone gets laid off and everyone in Hollywood gets unemployment for six months while they're looking for a new job. So I would just do stand-up for six months and think I was really making it, and when my unemployment ran out, I had to get another job immediately.

Stereotypes wouldn't be so bad if black people were nicer, in general.