My neighbor complains every time my girlfriend and I have sex. We're not even that loud. But he used to date my girlfriend.

Disasters are funny to me. As a comedian you learn from failure, so I'm always trying to put myself in a situation that does not seem ideal for my comedy and see how it works.

I have that need in me, I want everyone to love me, but I'm embarrassed by that need, so I wanted to cover it up in my persona. I felt like I wouldn't be able to do stand-up for a career if I was needy. I didn't want to be complaining or whining onstage. I wanted to be cool and do exactly what I wanted to do. That way I would never have to change for anybody.

Charlie Sheen called his boss on 'Two and a Half Men' a 'Jew ki**' and expected to go back to work. That’s crazy. If you could do that and keep your job, then everybody would do it.

You'll get my assault weapon when you pry it out of my curious six-year-old's cold dead hands.

You know how everybody has that one weird creepy uncle? Well, Seth Green looks like he got raped by all of them.

Stereotypes wouldn't be so bad if black people were nicer, in general.