My neighbor complains every time my girlfriend and I have sex. We're not even that loud. But he used to date my girlfriend.

Whenever I meet a pretty girl, the first thing I look for is intelligence; because if she doesn't have that, then she’s mine.

I loved Stephen Wright, and I loved Mitch Hedberg, but they seemed like geniuses you could never emulate. You'd just be ripping them off.

I've spent the past two years looking for my ex-girlfriend’s killer… but no one will do it.

My girlfriend is upset about her new haircut. I don't understand why she's crying. I'm the one who has to get a new girlfriend.

Do whatever you want to do, whenever you want to do it

Disasters are funny to me. As a comedian you learn from failure, so I'm always trying to put myself in a situation that does not seem ideal for my comedy and see how it works.