Child molesters must all think they've got huge dicks.

You know how everybody has that one weird creepy uncle? Well, Seth Green looks like he got raped by all of them.

I killed a squirrel once with a car. Twice with a tennis racket.

When my girlfriend cooks dinner, I'm happy to do the dishes. Because I make her wash dishes when I take her to a restaurant.

My sister is going to have a simple wedding. Just immediate family. And whoever the hell would want to marry her.

I like to read, but otherwise I'm just your average, self-obsessed comedian. It's pretty much all I think about.

I could see myself adopting a kid someday. But, obviously, I'd prefer it to be aborted.