Child molesters must all think they've got huge dicks.

My first time on stage was the class "graduation" at the Comedy Store. It was awesome. Everything got huge laughs and I just thought I knew how to do comedy.

I was a weird kid because I liked to be alone, but I craved attention. It was important for me to be cool, but I couldn't keep my mouth shut. So I was either talking for the sake of talking, or I was curled up with a book somewhere hiding from everyone.

I hated my mom for not letting me play football as a kid. So when I have kids someday, I guarantee they'll never meet their grandmother.

The driving force behind doing everything that I've been doing as a stand-up is having problems with authority and not liking to be told what to do.

My neighbor complains every time my girlfriend and I have sex. We're not even that loud. But he used to date my girlfriend.

Of all the ways people save time, I think racism is the worst.