Child molesters must all think they've got huge dicks.

My girlfriend wants an open relationship. I said no way. What kind of man would I be if I had to tell my friends I date you?

There is nothing that's off limits. If people think something is off limits, I make it my business to go make a joke about it; that's my job.

My sister is going to have a simple wedding. Just immediate family. And whoever the hell would want to marry her.

About a year after I moved to Los Angeles, I decided I wanted to be a joke writer for a late night talk show. So I met with a late night joke writer and he told me that I should start by doing stand-up comedy, because that would really hone my sense of humor and joke writing ability. Eventually I took a stand-up class and a few months later I had a seven-minute act.

What do I care if someone doesn't like me. If I like someone other people hate, it makes me feel special. I think my fans feel that way.

I could see myself adopting a kid someday. But, obviously, I'd prefer it to be aborted.