I'm very arrogant and mean. I'm almost like a bad guy professional wrestler.

I could see myself adopting a kid someday. But, obviously, I'd prefer it to be aborted.

It was important to me to be cool as a comedian. I didn't want to be a crowd-pleaser who sent out the vibe of, "I need you guys." I wanted to be so cool that the audience could leave and I would still be killing, that I didn't want to have to rely on them or need them. That really appealed to me.

Comedy Central made me delete the Boston Marathon joke. I wasn't happy about it but, despite popular belief, I can occasionally be a team player.

I grew up in a poor family. I had to cut everyone's hair, because we didn't have money for entertainment.

I've spent the past two years looking for my ex-girlfriend’s killer… but no one will do it.

This past Christmas, I told my girlfriend for months in advance that all I wanted was an Xbox. That's it. Beginning and end of list, Xbox. You know what she got me? A homemade frame with a picture of us from our first date together. Which was fine. Because I got her an Xbox.