It's always difficult when someone close to you passes away. But it's really tough when they're on top of you.

I want to marry the kind of girl that walks out of an abortion clinic with a lollipop.

The true meaning of Christmas is actually centuries of gullibility.

Comedy Central made me delete the Boston Marathon joke. I wasn't happy about it but, despite popular belief, I can occasionally be a team player.

I like seeing what the comedian thinks is funny, not just what they think I'll think is funny.

Charlie Sheen called his boss on 'Two and a Half Men' a 'Jew ki**' and expected to go back to work. That’s crazy. If you could do that and keep your job, then everybody would do it.

I think my friends wife has been banging a black guy. Because they just had a baby. And the baby had a hole in it.