My girlfriend is upset about her new haircut. I don't understand why she's crying. I'm the one who has to get a new girlfriend.

I think brilliant stuff comes out of working with limitations. One liners are very limiting, but that's what drew me to them in the first place.

The world is full of horrible things.

My neighbor complains every time my girlfriend and I have sex. We're not even that loud. But he used to date my girlfriend.

Sure, retarded jokes write themselves. But the spelling is always way off.

I prefer to sleep with deaf girls. Those crazy chicks never have a safe word.

Larry King is so old, he's actually one of the Jews that killed Christ.