My girlfriend is upset about her new haircut. I don't understand why she's crying. I'm the one who has to get a new girlfriend.

2010 has been awesome. I got to write on the David Hasselhoff Roast this summer, and that's always been a dream.

I'm too cynical to be an optimist.

My favorite part of going to a wedding is ruining the wedding.

My neighbor complains every time my girlfriend and I have sex. We're not even that loud. But he used to date my girlfriend.

One of my favorite things on the show was just getting to do my own monologue and talking about someone who killed themselves, or making a joke about some horrible tragedy - I love being able to fight for and get on TV. I just think it's so different.

The world is full of horrible things.