I don't want to wake up with cops surrounding my bed tonight.

I'm interested in doing some acting in the future, but it's a distant second to stand up.

2010 has been awesome. I got to write on the David Hasselhoff Roast this summer, and that's always been a dream.

I want to get a tattoo of the word irony, only misspelled.

When I was seven, I broke my leg playing soccer. Just to feel something.

My girlfriend was just killed in a car accident. Devastating. I can't believe I'm only going to have sex with her one more time.

This past Christmas, I told my girlfriend for months in advance that all I wanted was an Xbox. That's it. Beginning and end of list, Xbox. You know what she got me? A homemade frame with a picture of us from our first date together. Which was fine. Because I got her an Xbox.