I don't want to wake up with cops surrounding my bed tonight.

Disasters are funny to me. As a comedian you learn from failure, so I'm always trying to put myself in a situation that does not seem ideal for my comedy and see how it works.

My girlfriend is despicable. I just found out she flirted with my brother, during my mom's funeral, while I was asleep.

If your house is on fire and you can only escape with your life and one thing, what one thing would you take out of your house? I got to think my laptop is the one thing that is totally irreplaceable. Either that or my son. Laptop. I'll go laptop.

I don't ever want to have kids of my own. But I do want a lot of kids.

I have that need in me, I want everyone to love me, but I'm embarrassed by that need, so I wanted to cover it up in my persona. I felt like I wouldn't be able to do stand-up for a career if I was needy. I didn't want to be complaining or whining onstage. I wanted to be cool and do exactly what I wanted to do. That way I would never have to change for anybody.

The best way to break up with a girl is like I'm taking off a band-aid. Slowly and in the shower.