I don't want to wake up with cops surrounding my bed tonight.

Wayne Brady, I don’t understand why people keep joking that you’re not black. Wayne Brady, you are BLACK. After all, I only remember you for all the years you played an uppity slave on ‘Who’s Line is it Anyway?’.

Donald, I'm not sure if you're even aware of this, but the only difference between you and Michael Douglas from the movie, Wall Street, is that no one's going to be sad when you get cancer.

I want to get a tattoo of the word irony, only misspelled.

I love Pittsburgh. Most of my family still lives there and I try to get back a couple of times a year.

My ex-girlfriend owned a parakeet…oh my god, that f**king thing would never shut up. But the bird was cool.

I think my friends wife has been banging a black guy. Because they just had a baby. And the baby had a hole in it.