I want people to just be paying attention even if they're not necessarily laughing at something, or if it takes them a while to get something, I don't mind that. If half the crowd gets the joke and the other half is sitting there scratching their heads, that's just as good for me if I like the joke, because I feel like it just brings people in more.

I love Austin, but last time I was in town for twelve hours. I was exhausted, drunk and miserable. But none of that was Austin's fault.

When I die, I want to be cremated with everybody.

The opposite of sad is down's syndrome.

Tom Cruise's pre-nup lets him keep his money, the kids and Katie Holmes.

God, that Anthony Jeselnik Show sounds really funny.

I grew up in a poor family. I had to cut everyone's hair, because we didn't have money for entertainment.