I like to play pranks on my girlfriend, you know, keep things fresh for me, make me laugh, you know? She hates it. But like, the other night, I put Saran wrap over the toilet seat, you know, which doesn't sound that original, but she's bulimic.

My neighbor complains every time my girlfriend and I have sex. We're not even that loud. But he used to date my girlfriend.

Childhood obesity affects all pedophiles.

Perhaps I'm being too optimistic, but I think this country is finally ready for a black serial killer.

Yeah we're not together anymore. She has got - she has got a new boyfriend now. They just moved into together. And I've heard rumors that he is abusive, which makes you want to go over there with a baseball bat. And then blame it on her boyfriend.

I do dark [humor]. I like people who are silly and weird and people who are surprising and good at what they do.

I'm trying to teach my girlfriend how to surf. But I just end up yelling at her the whole time. Because I don't know how to surf.