Everyone gets laid off and everyone in Hollywood gets unemployment for six months while they're looking for a new job. So I would just do stand-up for six months and think I was really making it, and when my unemployment ran out, I had to get another job immediately.

Of all the ways people save time, I think racism is the worst.

My girlfriend wants an open relationship. I said no way. What kind of man would I be if I had to tell my friends I date you?

Who do you think was smarter, Jesus or Buddha? I mean, just in terms of not letting themselves get crucified.

I have that need in me, I want everyone to love me, but I'm embarrassed by that need, so I wanted to cover it up in my persona. I felt like I wouldn't be able to do stand-up for a career if I was needy. I didn't want to be complaining or whining onstage. I wanted to be cool and do exactly what I wanted to do. That way I would never have to change for anybody.

Ellen Barkin, your upcoming TV show ‘The New Normal’ premiers on September 11th. September 11th, that sounds about right. Every clip I’ve seen feels like I’m watching a third tower collapse.

When I was little, I would burn ants with a magnifying glass. But now that I'm older, I'm more of a cat guy.