Of all the ways people save time, I think racism is the worst.

I think brilliant stuff comes out of working with limitations. One liners are very limiting, but that's what drew me to them in the first place.

I'm interested in doing some acting in the future, but it's a distant second to stand up.

Yesterday I accidentally hit a little kid with my car. It wasn't serious — nobody saw me.

My neighbor complains every time my girlfriend and I have sex. We're not even that loud. But he used to date my girlfriend.

I guess I prefer the laughs. I couldn't do a whole set of just shocks, but I like throwing a fastball inside every now and then to keep people on their toes.

I want to get a tattoo of the word irony, only misspelled.