Of all the ways people save time, I think racism is the worst.

I had written for Jimmy Kimmel and Sarah Silverman in the past. Jimmy had a different voice, and different priorities. He couldnt be the bad guy in the joke; he couldnt upset people, really.

My girlfriend is despicable. I just found out she flirted with my brother, during my mom's funeral, while I was asleep.

I would write 100 jokes a day. Most of them were terrible. But I just said, 'I'll write more than everybody else, and that's how I'll get better.'

The world is full of horrible things.

I was always cutting words. I even would write my jokes in my notebook. I still do this, almost like a poem.

The opposite of sad is down's syndrome.