Of all the ways people save time, I think racism is the worst.

You don't know anything about pain until you've seen your own baby drowned in a tub... and you definitely don't know anything about how to wash a baby.

The one thing I've found you really can't joke about - and people think it's death or something - is money. No one thinks it's funny, whether you have it or you don't. Money is just something no one seems to like joking about.

I was a weird kid because I liked to be alone, but I craved attention. It was important for me to be cool, but I couldn't keep my mouth shut. So I was either talking for the sake of talking, or I was curled up with a book somewhere hiding from everyone.

Larry King is so old, he's actually one of the Jews that killed Christ.

My girlfriend is despicable. I just found out she flirted with my brother, during my mom's funeral, while I was asleep.

I want to get a tattoo of the word irony, only misspelled.