Of all the ways people save time, I think racism is the worst.

Dark humor appealed to me because it was a bigger laugh than you could get with anything else. Seeing people laugh at something inappropriate with their whole bodies, a guttural, visceral laugh beyond a mere "hah."

Yesterday I accidentally hit a little kid with my car. It wasn't serious — nobody saw me.

Do whatever you want to do, whenever you want to do it

The best way to break up with a girl is like I'm taking off a band-aid. Slowly and in the shower.

I love Pittsburgh. Most of my family still lives there and I try to get back a couple of times a year.

I like to play pranks on my girlfriend, you know, keep things fresh for me, make me laugh, you know? She hates it. But like, the other night, I put Saran wrap over the toilet seat, you know, which doesn't sound that original, but she's bulimic.