My girlfriend wants an open relationship. I said no way. What kind of man would I be if I had to tell my friends I date you?

I was a terrible employee. I've been fired from almost every job I've ever had, luckily, in a good way, or else I'd be stuck. I would always joke around with everybody, and no one enjoyed my humor.

Whenever I’m about to have sex with a girl, I play it smart and just automatically assume she has herpes; because that way I don’t have to tell her about my herpes.

My girlfriend is despicable. I just found out she flirted with my brother, during my mom's funeral, while I was asleep.

I never knew if I would get my own show, but I knew I loved stand-up.

That's the worst way you can hear about comedy material: from a third person's blog story that they wrote when they were upset.

Valentine's Day was created by the greeting card industry to get pussy.