My girlfriend wants an open relationship. I said no way. What kind of man would I be if I had to tell my friends I date you?

I try to retire jokes as soon as I can once I put them on an album. But I can't think of anything I just stopped doing for no reason.

I actually never acted on "Deadwood." I have meetings all the time where people look at my IMDb page and see that I played the part of "Accounting Clerk" on Deadwood. Actually, I was the accounting clerk for production of "Deadwood."

I had to break up with my last girlfriend for lying about being raped by her neighbor. But I've met her neighbor, he's a cool guy. Not like her other creepy ass neighbor though.

Every comic went through their Mitch Hedberg phase - the glasses, the hair in the face - and you knew immediately when they were doing it.

That's the worst way you can hear about comedy material: from a third person's blog story that they wrote when they were upset.

You look like you deep fry your hands before you bite your fingernails.