My girlfriend wants an open relationship. I said no way. What kind of man would I be if I had to tell my friends I date you?

My girlfriend is upset about her new haircut. I don't understand why she's crying. I'm the one who has to get a new girlfriend.

Silence means they [the audience] are paying attention. Even if I drop bombs and they're dead quiet, it's still okay. If they start talking, that's when you've lost them.

Valentine's Day was created by the greeting card industry to get pussy.

Disgusting. I just found my grandpa's Viagra. I swear, I almost puked from eating so many.

Hitler really wasn't so bad. In the black way.

My girlfriend is despicable. I just found out she flirted with my brother, during my mom's funeral, while I was asleep.