I think the reason I became funny was because if I made people laugh, they would let me keep talking.

I think the reason I became funny was because if I made people laugh, they would let me keep talking.

My neighbor complains every time my girlfriend and I have sex. We're not even that loud. But he used to date my girlfriend.

The one thing I've found you really can't joke about - and people think it's death or something - is money. No one thinks it's funny, whether you have it or you don't. Money is just something no one seems to like joking about.

My girlfriend is Jewish. But it's easier to buy her a Christmas present and then break it into 8 pieces.

I actually never acted on "Deadwood." I have meetings all the time where people look at my IMDb page and see that I played the part of "Accounting Clerk" on Deadwood. Actually, I was the accounting clerk for production of "Deadwood."

About a month ago some kids in my neighborhood were playing hide-and-go-seek and one of them ended up in an abandoned refrigerator. It's all anybody talked about for weeks. I said, 'Who cares? How many kids you know get to die a winner?