I think the reason I became funny was because if I made people laugh, they would let me keep talking.

I don't think Metallica sits around all day wondering why country music fans don't embrace them.

I'll be very busy, which is all I need.

With comics, you always talk about a big break, but there are a lot of big breaks in your life and not one of them makes a big difference.

The world is full of horrible things that will eventually get you and everything you care about. Laughter is a universal way to lift your head up and say: 'Not today, you bastards.'

The best way to break up with a girl is like I'm taking off a band-aid. Slowly and in the shower.

I'm interested in doing some acting in the future, but it's a distant second to stand up.