I think the reason I became funny was because if I made people laugh, they would let me keep talking.

Of all the ways people save time, I think racism is the worst.

I always loved comedy, but it never seemed like something that I could do professionally.

The world is full of horrible things that will eventually get you and everything you care about. Laughter is a universal way to lift your head up and say: 'Not today, you bastards.'

My favorite part of going to a wedding is ruining the wedding.

You'll get my assault weapon when you pry it out of my curious six-year-old's cold dead hands.

My mom, for most of her life, was a Holocaust denier. And it was terrible for the entire family to have to deal with until, finally, a couple years ago, we had an intervention. And we had a rabbi come into the home, had him walk her through the history of the Jewish people, and then he made her watch "Schindler's List." And after that, my mom did a complete 180. Now she can't believe it only happened once.