I think the reason I became funny was because if I made people laugh, they would let me keep talking.

My girlfriend is Jewish. But it's easier to buy her a Christmas present and then break it into 8 pieces.

Everyone gets laid off and everyone in Hollywood gets unemployment for six months while they're looking for a new job. So I would just do stand-up for six months and think I was really making it, and when my unemployment ran out, I had to get another job immediately.

There is nothing that's off limits. If people think something is off limits, I make it my business to go make a joke about it; that's my job.

I don't have a type, really. But I've always been more attracted to girls who yell fire.

The best way to break up with a girl is like I'm taking off a band-aid. Slowly and in the shower.

I think my friend Jeff is gay. I don't know - I'm so bad with names.