My favorite part of going to a wedding is ruining the wedding.

Father's Day makes me wish I could talk to my Dad just one more time, instead of all the time.

My first time on stage was the class "graduation" at the Comedy Store. It was awesome. Everything got huge laughs and I just thought I knew how to do comedy.

I'm too cynical to be an optimist.

Whenever I meet a pretty girl, the first thing I look for is intelligence; because if she doesn't have that, then she’s mine.

Amy [Schumer] and I each have our cross to bear when it comes to tattoos. Amy and I are funny when we fight. It just keeps escalating until one of us starts laughing. Then it's over. I'm happy that we're friends.

I think my friend Jeff is gay. I don't know - I'm so bad with names.