My favorite part of going to a wedding is ruining the wedding.

I'm getting pretty worried. My girlfriend hasn't gotten her period. And she's already 14.

I didn't care about the backlash. I think the reason it was so severe was because they didn't know anything about me in New Zealand. If I had made jokes about a shark attack in the US, no one would have cared.

I like to read, but otherwise I'm just your average, self-obsessed comedian. It's pretty much all I think about.

I feel worthless. My girlfriend was attacked on the subway yesterday. And I can't even enjoy it.

It's impossible for me to hear the words quadruple murder suicide without thinking of my grandparents.

I want to marry the kind of girl that walks out of an abortion clinic with a lollipop.