My favorite part of going to a wedding is ruining the wedding.

Child molesters must all think they've got huge dicks.

My ex-girlfriend owned a parakeet…oh my god, that f**king thing would never shut up. But the bird was cool.

I killed a squirrel once with a car. Twice with a tennis racket.

I could see myself adopting a kid someday. But, obviously, I'd prefer it to be aborted.

I feel like every first episode of a TV show is bad, you know, and it always improves.

I think my friend Jeff is gay. I don't know - I'm so bad with names.