Amy [Schumer] and I each have our cross to bear when it comes to tattoos. Amy and I are funny when we fight. It just keeps escalating until one of us starts laughing. Then it's over. I'm happy that we're friends.

When I was seven, I broke my leg playing soccer. Just to feel something.

People say it's easy to make fun of retarded people, but it's not. You really have to explain it to them.

Perhaps I'm being too optimistic, but I think this country is finally ready for a black serial killer.

A couple of months ago, I gave my girlfriend some fancy lingerie, and she actually got mad at me. She said, 'Anthony, I think this is more of a gift for you than it is for me.' And I said, 'If you want to get technical, it was originally a gift for my last girlfriend.'

My first time on stage was the class "graduation" at the Comedy Store. It was awesome. Everything got huge laughs and I just thought I knew how to do comedy.

I'm getting pretty worried. My girlfriend hasn't gotten her period. And she's already 14.