Amy [Schumer] and I each have our cross to bear when it comes to tattoos. Amy and I are funny when we fight. It just keeps escalating until one of us starts laughing. Then it's over. I'm happy that we're friends.

I've got a long history of suicid in my family; the good news is it skips a generation, so, if I'm lucky, my kids will kill themselves.

What do they call that hat Jewish guys always wear? A Yankees cap.

My sister is going to have a simple wedding. Just immediate family. And whoever the hell would want to marry her.

I try to write three jokes every morning, although I don't know what they are. I write them as fast as I can, then I put them away for a month. So I couldn't even tell you what they are, or if they're good. I just assume they weren't.

I want to marry the kind of girl that walks out of an abortion clinic with a lollipop.

I spent all night feeding the homeless to dogs.