I loved Stephen Wright, and I loved Mitch Hedberg, but they seemed like geniuses you could never emulate. You'd just be ripping them off.

The best way to break up with a girl is like I'm taking off a band-aid. Slowly and in the shower.

Every comic went through their Mitch Hedberg phase - the glasses, the hair in the face - and you knew immediately when they were doing it.

My girlfriend is Jewish. But it's easier to buy her a Christmas present and then break it into 8 pieces.

I was a terrible employee. I've been fired from almost every job I've ever had, luckily, in a good way, or else I'd be stuck. I would always joke around with everybody, and no one enjoyed my humor.

I know her in the biblical senseand when I say that, I mean I don't believe a word she says.

I never go see live comedy shows because I just sit in the audience thinking, "Here's what I would say. Here's what I would do if I got up there." It drives me crazy.