I loved Stephen Wright, and I loved Mitch Hedberg, but they seemed like geniuses you could never emulate. You'd just be ripping them off.

I don't think Metallica sits around all day wondering why country music fans don't embrace them.

I think my friends wife has been banging a black guy. Because they just had a baby. And the baby had a hole in it.

I tell very mean jokes.

My girlfriend has the greatest story as to why she isn't religious anymore. When she was a kid, like 12 years old, her parents nailed a 25 pound crucifix to the wall right above her bed. About two weeks later, in the middle of the night, the crucifix falls off the wall and leaves a two inch gash in the back of her dad's head.

The opposite of sad is down's syndrome.

You look like you deep fry your hands before you bite your fingernails.