We just found out my little brother has a peanut allergy, which is very serious I know. But still I feel like my parents are totally overreacting - they caught me eating a tiny little bag of airline peanuts and they kicked me out of his funeral.

I don't think Metallica sits around all day wondering why country music fans don't embrace them.

I think brilliant stuff comes out of working with limitations. One liners are very limiting, but that's what drew me to them in the first place.

I'm actually a really nice guy, once you get to blow me.

In comedy, I hate that cop-out where you say, "Just kidding." I know you're just kidding. Don't insult my intelligence by spelling it out for me that much.

I've spent the past two years looking for my ex-girlfriend’s killer… but no one will do it.

The first time I had sex, I didn't know what I was doing. It was a relief when the whole thing was over after just 45 minutes.