We just found out my little brother has a peanut allergy, which is very serious I know. But still I feel like my parents are totally overreacting - they caught me eating a tiny little bag of airline peanuts and they kicked me out of his funeral.

I grew up in a poor family. I had to cut everyone's hair, because we didn't have money for entertainment.

Disgusting. I just found my grandpa's Viagra. I swear, I almost puked from eating so many.

My neighbor complains every time my girlfriend and I have sex. We're not even that loud. But he used to date my girlfriend.

Hitler really wasn't so bad. In the black way.

I can stand by a tweet. But Comedy Central said they couldn't publicly support me, unless I deleted it. I wasn't about to tell the people who work for me that they didn't have jobs anymore because I wasn't going to delete a stupid tweet.

I love anyone who surprises me and makes me laugh.