We just found out my little brother has a peanut allergy, which is very serious I know. But still I feel like my parents are totally overreacting - they caught me eating a tiny little bag of airline peanuts and they kicked me out of his funeral.

The true meaning of Christmas is actually centuries of gullibility.

I like the idea of being the funny guy in the dramatic thing, playing a hit man with a weird sense of humor.

My favorite part of going to a wedding is ruining the wedding.

Who do you think was smarter, Jesus or Buddha? I mean, just in terms of not letting themselves get crucified.

The one thing I've found you really can't joke about - and people think it's death or something - is money. No one thinks it's funny, whether you have it or you don't. Money is just something no one seems to like joking about.

My girlfriend makes me want to be a better person... so I can get a better girlfriend.